I don't care if my coworkers find this.

I can't decide if it's me or them--am I moody and tempermental, or do they oscillate between being genuinely nice people and annoying children?

I want to go home.

=/

no one reads this anymore (with a few exceptions).  <3  to you that still do, though.

Work sucks and I would have left already if it weren't for the fact that my bank account is happy for once.

I don't care if I can't find work as an EMT next summer, there is no way that I am coming back here.  I like the fact that I get to hang out with my Dad, but aside from that, I despise being here.  Grr.....

I'm seeing Matt this weekend, which will hopefully make me hate my current state of  being a lot less.  I made dinner for my siblings last night--spaghetti pie.  Make a pie shell out of spaghetti, put in ricotta cheese and meat/sauce, and bake.  Could easily be made vegan, I think. 

<3

Sometimes, boys are dumb.  Sometimes, boys will tell you that they will meet you for a few hours so you can see each other for the only time in a few weeks.  Sometimes, they will be an hour+ later.  If you're lucky, they'll call or text something to that effect.

Waiting around the office for Matt to come visit.  I love him, but he's not great when it comes to making plans and following through on them.  I feel silly for being upset with him, and it might not be his fault, but it's frustrating when I'm looking forward to seeing him and he can't be here when he said he would. 

I'm hungry because we're supposed to have lunch.  I could have gone with my coworkers, but I didn't because Matt's supposed to be here.  Hungry and alone.  Guy at the office scared me.  I want to go home, sleep, go back to school, be an EMT, work, and see people who care.

Tags: rant
Current Location: United States, Massachusetts, Cambridge

Hey all--I've started a new blog.  It's called After the Call, and it's about my experiences with EMS.  Matt's an EMT, and when he's off on a call, I write about what things are like.  I'm updating daily until I run out of posts from before, and then it will be an "as needed" updated blog.

After the Call

Check it out, leave comments, I'll be adding more entries as the week goes on.

<3

Tags: after the call, blog, ems

So I'm back in Ashland.  I should be happy to be here with my family, right?  Meh.

I miss Matt.  I feel ridiculously loved and comfortable with him, and here I almost feel in the way.  I miss having someone to cuddle with whenever I need it.  I miss having someone say "I love you" to and hear it from and know that it's not just because we were born into a family that necessitates love.  I love my family, and I feel guilty writing this, but this is not my home anymore.  My home is in Shapiro dorm or in the Village, in a bed with someone who chose me and who I chose.  I'm on call as a substitute teacher tomorrow, and I'm praying that I get called in so that I will have something to do.  Otherwise, I'll probably just emo around here and miss Matt and Brandeis.  It'll be Easter soon, and that will make things better.  But still.  I miss hugs and kisses and cuddling and being the little spoon.  I miss waking up in the early hours of the morning because we've fallen asleep in our day clothes or because Matt's coughing again or because we have work to do. 

Grah.  Love makes everything else pale in comparison.  Which can be sad sometimes.

Tags: love

Ronan Hearst!


1.) Do you like this character?

Of course!  He's possibly the most depressed out of all of my boys, but he's also very plot-heavy, so I've gotten to know him very well.

2.) What name(s) do you call this character?

Ronan.  It's not very nicknameable

3.) What image / color do you associate with character?

This is tricky, now I'm thinking too hard.  Blue, because I can't picture him wearing anything else but blue when he's not in black.  And I don't really associate any image, but the song "February Song" by Josh Groban always makes me think of him.  Actually, oddly enough, I associate the image of a deep red rose with him.  Not sure why.

5.) What blood type do you think this character is?

I should know, but apparently I didn't specify in his crazy thread.  Let's say O+, because he probably needed a lot of blood in his past, and I'll make it relatively easy on the people snagging blood for him.

6.) From all of the titles that feature this character, what other character do you think makes a good pairing with this character?

Angie, duh.  Angie is so good for Ronan.

7.) What would you want to say to this character?

"Don't be such a little emo cloud!"

8.) What do you want to do with this character?

I want him to have fun.  I want him to be able to smile and not feel bad that Bradley isn't there to enjoy things with him.

What do I want to do with this character writing-wise?

I want him to be happy again, like he was with Bradley.  He deserves to be happy.

Tags: sheraton academy

So, it's been a long, long time since I had anything to say, and a longer time since I had consistently happy things to say.

Things are going very well with Matt and I. We've found things that work for us. Bad moments come, but they're impossibly small compared to all of the amazing fantastic weeks we have. He came to visit for New Year's, he met my friends, we cuddled as much as possible, and I drove him back to Mattapoisett. It was late, he didn't want me driving home, was going to have me take a nap, but instead I met his sister and her boyfriend and we all had a lovely evening. I rested a bit before driving home (an hour and a half) and made it back around 1:00 AM.

This past week I took a lifeguard course with the Red Cross. On the first day, I failed the swimming exam. A week later, I am a lifeguard. Everyone in the class was awesome, and I feel confident in a lot of things now. =)

I feel like I'm addicted to Matt--any time that I'm not doing something else, I find myself calling him, just to talk about whatever, even if I'm tired and should be sleeping. One more week and we'll be back at school and we can cuddle and see each other every day and have sleepovers. I am putting together a box of things to leave in his room so that I can stay there without as much planning.

Wednesday is Alumni Day at my high school, and I'm on the panel of people to talk to the juniors/seniors. I'm SO EXCITED. I also get to talk to the academic decathlon team about States, and I have an endocrinologist appointment on Thursday, and on Friday, James, Alex and I are going to Fire and Ice for dinner.

People are being very good about the whole "Zach and I are not speaking" thing. Josh and Peter still came to my "everyone, come and meet Matt and eat food" party, even though Zach didn't want them to. Josh asked me not to put up pictures on Facebook of them--I agreed, even though it hurts to see them being controlled like I was. It's so, so good to be free. Matt's been so supportive--he was on the phone with me the night that I finally got Zach out of my life. I'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt sometimes, but most of the time, I have no regrets.

Started the hundred pushups challenge, as well as the two hundred situps one. Gah. Arms will be hurting. Trying to read more. Debating taking the EMT course in the spring--leaning towards not, because of a cappella and taking two math classes. Also, for first semester, I pulled a 3.5--A's in my gender/sexuality writing class and my "thinking about infinity" seminar, A- in music theory and the lab for that, and C+ in linear algebra. Very excited for next semester. I'm taking a class called "German Opera and Pathology." It should be very interesting =)

Alright, my hands hurt form typing at a weird angle. Time to go do other things. Perhaps these entries will start being unlocked, now that I no longer have the need to hide things.

To those of you who I haven't seen recently, I miss you all very much!

~Mariah

Tags: college

Oh my fucking gosh.

So.

Banshee (Brandeis Women's Ultimate Frisbee team) initiation. Went to Ax's mod, had food, talked with people, realized that I was not wearing enough red for the red team. went back to dorm, turned a red shirt into a dress. Major creativity points.

Got my text to meet up with team in North--team was Vicki, Lauren, and Eva. All very nice but not "all there" if you know what I mean. I am easily frustrated with people like these. Long night in store.

Get instructions. Go to Ziv. Perform a team cheer. Go to Naked statue of a lady behind Chapels. Pose with her. Get poker chips, potato chips, chocolate chips, and boy's boxers. Go to Rosenthal. there is a party--give items to girl, play beer pong, get next clue. Go to Usdan, collect pepper packets, eat some. Go to baseball field. Spell NYX with your bodies. Go to rosenthal. Drink a disk of beer (I abstain, except for a taste to which I said "ew") go to the C-Store, becuase Mariah knew what to clue meant. Go to Massell pond, get clue. Go to library, singing. Go to statue of Brandeis, dance like Tonto. Go to East. Make birthday cards. Go to Ziv. Read the fake sign made by Tron boys, go into Sachar woods and find the fire pit. Get call from Marvel, realizing that we have been duped. Go to Ziv. Get called inside individually/in groups of two by a very sexily dressed Marvel. Be surrounded by the team, chanting, sit on the table. answer questions. Why banshee. what is the force. complete the cheer. stand in a small room with the others. go back into the main room. Get called for your name. I am now Gunz. Very pleased with name choice. Drink a sip of champagne, everyone is already drunk. Dance, sing "africa" play roshambo. Dana yells at Marvel about dating a boy who left her for dead at a party--room is silent. Play continues. Meeko is wasted beyond belief. So is Sly. Hi-tops is angsting becuase Burn is giving mixed signals. Gunz is tired of the drama and the alcohol and walks to the village. Matt is in the lounge. Mariah sits on Matt and tells him about the night. The cuddle on the couch until 3:30. Matt walks a tired Mariah home. Mariah showers and writes a LJ entry because her mind is thoroughly blown by tonight's events.

And is delighted that she feels comfortable telling her boyfriend that she find her female captain to be hot.

So, I haven't posted in forever and a half--here's the condensed summary of college so far.

Amazing friends in all corners of Brandeis.
Challenging classes (so much music.)
Zach hasn't tried to contact me in a while.
I'm with a boy named Matt who makes me so unbelievably happy (he's amazing. Doesn't care that I'm queer, or silly, or seventeen. Very understanding of the fact that I'm coming from a bad relationship.)

Today is my 17 and 11/12 birthday!

I miss all of you who I haven't talked to in a while (Kimmi and Marie and Wes and Alex especially)

=)

Well, MIT gave their results for admission today.  Since there was no big "HOORAY" posted at the top of this entry, I'm sure you've figured out that I didn't get in.  It's true, I was faced with the lovely short "We're so sorry" letter.  I am now the only person in our group of friends who has not gotten in anywhere.  It's a terrible feeling, even if some people still haven't heard back from their top schools--at least they have one place they can go to. 

I don't want to have to tell people.  I feel like I've let a lot of people down, like the teachers who wrote letters for me and even Marie, who seemed so sure that I would get in that she even told random guy from Boston that I would.  I'm hoping I can get by writing this and telling an handful of people and letting the grapevine do its job. 

I keep thinking, "I could have done better at my audition tape," "Maybe if I tried harder in physics second term" or "Were there things about myself I didn't talk about in my interview that I should have?"  Really, there's no telling what it was that kept me from getting in.  Ah well, there's always graduate school, I suppose. 

I have Anime Boston to look forward to this weekend, and Easter, and then All-State the week after, and then MICCA and our concert.  And then I'll hear from other schools.  The worst part at this point is that I'm going to get a letter in the mail in a few days that will remind me all over again that I failed. 

Thanks to everyone who supported me through this process. 

And I miss my big sister. ::hugs Marie::  =\

Tags: college, senior year
Current Mood: crushed